For the greater part of the last four months the unanswered question about the upcoming year has been looming and stirring in my mind, a murky mess of dreams and fear. At times I was quite certain that I would be able to stay teaching at this school long term, but that was short lived. Naturally I then swung to the polar opposite sentiment with eagerness and yearning to return to my home in Orange County. In the beginning of all of this it caused a lot of stress and I thought about it constantly. Finally, I decided I wasn’t going to give it any more consideration until the new year because it only caused anxiety and didn’t serve anything to worry about it. With the commencement of January I started thinking this over once again. But again I was met with so many unknowns that I couldn’t make a decision. Once more I resolved to return to America unless God gave me clear direction otherwise. By February I knew that if I was going to make any resolution with this it was time to be proactive.
Knowing that my heart longed to be back with my church community I began seeking employment where I saw a need in California with the organization under which I’m currently serving abroad. While the job had not been listed I perceived a need and felt that the draw to continue working with this non-profit was worth pursuing. Then I entered what seemed to be another dry spell. Without any response to my initial conversation about joining their ministry due to an added conflict we were all working through, I assumed the possibility of joining the partnership was now out of the picture. I knew that to move back to the USA would require some form of employment and sustenance for me to make that decision. Similarly I was not prepared to commit to staying in Istanbul working at this school, but toyed with the idea of staying if I found other work and could continue with ministry opportunities here.
This past Tuesday night I met with the leader of the young adults group from the international church. I wish we could have met earlier as I enjoy our conversations and his direction in my life. We’ve already scheduled a time to meet again next week. In our time talking together he not only proposed that we continue meeting to discuss and study together, but he also asked me to consider working with him in the future. I told him I had been waiting for an excuse to stay here thus I was quite happy with his proposition. There is potential for me to remain in Istanbul, perhaps teaching privately at a language school while working alongside him, studying the Scriptures and ministering to the international community. This seemed nearly ideal. I still would be working with the community where I’m currently a small group leader as well as being able to live abroad continuing life as an expat. Coming home I told my roommate this made everything much simpler. If I didn’t have a job lined up back home I was prone to stay in Turkey; with work here I’m privy to only go home for a bit in the summer before returning.
At last the clouds had parted and it seemed there was clarity. Knowing that I could still potentially partner with two ministries simultaneously I thought to call the one I’m currently working with to get their input along with any updates on my future with them. Our conversation quickly turned where I least expected. The group in the states that I presently work under suggested that I join their staff as the social network and recruiter guy. So much for clear skies. For months I had been waiting for a door to open. My deadline to decide was initially the 15th of March, today. Taking an extra two weeks I hope to know what I’m doing by the end of the month. Just when I thought it was finally evident where I should be investing long-term two doors opened instead of one; now I’m going to have to make a choice.
In both cases I have yet to talk with the person who would actually bring me on board, which when I do I trust will result in an explicit definition of the expectations and further understanding of what the work ahead would look like. Another commonality is that both ministries require support raising in order to continue the work of the ministries and subsidize the cost of living. But despite the similarities I feel like at I am at a giant fork in the road. I’m no fortuneteller, but I see these two opportunities leading to two radically different lives. A decision to stay in Turkey would be a commitment to at least a few years. I assume in that time I’d learn Turkish fluently and continue to acclimate to life in Istanbul, ultimately making a life here. While living here this year I realized that truly becoming an expat means saying sayonara to the all the things I love back home, at least for an indefinite amount of time anyway. On the other side of the coin is the same dilemma. Moving back to be apart of the ROCKHARBOR community would pull me out of the cross cultural and multilingual environment where I always had thought I wanted to live.
I’m reminded that I don’t know the future and that as much as I can plan, anticipate, or hope God knows what’s best for me. Eagerly I await him to guide my steps in the next several days. For the last decade I only knew what I would be doing about six months ahead of time. This is the first time that I’m being asked to make a long-term commitment to a place. My mind can’t fathom a commitment to one location for that long right now. Filling with conjectures about what could be it’s about ready to explode. Most of my worries lie in relationships, hopes to date and marry, to grow closer to my sisters as they mature as young women, to support my parents as they reunite, and everyone from the people I’m sharing with here to the dozens of relationships I have in back in America. To chose between these two different worlds seems impossibly insane.
