It's so hard to be back in America without a specific purpose. The biggest reason that I came back to Orange County is to be involved with ROCKHARBOR; but church activities don't pay the bills. I'm wrestling with what to do next. Each time I think about applying at a restaurant it initially seems like a good idea. I have experience in the food industry and it pays well. But when it's time to bite the bullet and apply I run the other direction. Everything in me wants to stay out of the restaurant because simply, it's too good of a job. Fear of getting locked in and comfortable with pay, with my coworkers, and general server lifestyle keeps me at bay. On the other hand the hours are unpredictable, except for the promise of working late nights. I don't want the same life I had 18 months ago; it's time for change.
Despite being quite miserable last year, teaching is something I really enjoy. I consider last year to be a failure in that area. As much as I acknowledge that my training didn't equip me for working under an unsupportive administration in a high school of corrupt boys, I quit trying. For self preservation and sanity I stopped giving 100% as an educator. Questions of adequacy and capability plagued my thoughts during that season. Unfortunately those ideas still weigh very heavy on my mind. Looking failure straight in the face I have two options, walk away in surrender or attack with higher powered weaponry. I'd like to choose the latter and that requires returning to classroom. Before doing that I need to be better prepared for the challenges I'll face both in the classroom and with administration.
Leaving to go teach and live abroad means not being involved at church. These two things, church and work abroad, are both super important in my life, but it seems that I can't have them both. So once again I've come home from being abroad and still feel lost within my own home. It doesn't help that I don't have a job or a place to live. I desperately crave structured routine in my life. Now that I'm in the states again it's important for me to take advantage of the land of opportunity by going back to school. While I consider going to get my masters in TESOL to prepare myself for cross cultural education I also think about seminary. Going to seminary would help give me a more solid foundation in the word, how to live it out, teach it, explain it, etc. which would be awesome when living abroad in a culture that doesn't have the same spiritual views and values that we do.
I knew this would happen. One of the hardest things about deciding to come back to the USA was knowing that it would challenge my sense of purpose and direction; I'd be broke and wandering (seemingly aimlessly). The Western mindset would not worry, convinced this will all work out. After living abroad I'm a touch less hopeful. Teaching in Istanbul never worked itself out, it was a nightmare. But I go back to Jesus and I'm certain that he's at least working in my heart and mind right now. Even if it doesn't immediately all pan out so great financially or open up doors for another adventure I will keep pressing in and try to figure out the next step. My brain is a slush mixed with ideas, hopes, passions, and wants.
Despite being quite miserable last year, teaching is something I really enjoy. I consider last year to be a failure in that area. As much as I acknowledge that my training didn't equip me for working under an unsupportive administration in a high school of corrupt boys, I quit trying. For self preservation and sanity I stopped giving 100% as an educator. Questions of adequacy and capability plagued my thoughts during that season. Unfortunately those ideas still weigh very heavy on my mind. Looking failure straight in the face I have two options, walk away in surrender or attack with higher powered weaponry. I'd like to choose the latter and that requires returning to classroom. Before doing that I need to be better prepared for the challenges I'll face both in the classroom and with administration.
Leaving to go teach and live abroad means not being involved at church. These two things, church and work abroad, are both super important in my life, but it seems that I can't have them both. So once again I've come home from being abroad and still feel lost within my own home. It doesn't help that I don't have a job or a place to live. I desperately crave structured routine in my life. Now that I'm in the states again it's important for me to take advantage of the land of opportunity by going back to school. While I consider going to get my masters in TESOL to prepare myself for cross cultural education I also think about seminary. Going to seminary would help give me a more solid foundation in the word, how to live it out, teach it, explain it, etc. which would be awesome when living abroad in a culture that doesn't have the same spiritual views and values that we do.
I knew this would happen. One of the hardest things about deciding to come back to the USA was knowing that it would challenge my sense of purpose and direction; I'd be broke and wandering (seemingly aimlessly). The Western mindset would not worry, convinced this will all work out. After living abroad I'm a touch less hopeful. Teaching in Istanbul never worked itself out, it was a nightmare. But I go back to Jesus and I'm certain that he's at least working in my heart and mind right now. Even if it doesn't immediately all pan out so great financially or open up doors for another adventure I will keep pressing in and try to figure out the next step. My brain is a slush mixed with ideas, hopes, passions, and wants.
