Forever Young

I've heard that it's not good to constantly praise children for what they're good at because they learn to avoid things where they may just be mediocre. They lose interest if they don't immediately achieve greatness and tend to give up more quickly when facing adversity even as adults. I tried playing fútbol as a kid, back when I still called it soccer, but I didn't like getting up early on Saturday morning to go run around a field in the cold. It didn't help that I had little coordination and no experience with team sports. After the season when I was finally done with my commitment to the sport I quit. I would've liked to have stuck with it or at least joined a team that scored. But I had lost interest and desire. My sister was always better at music so when my mom tried to teach me the piano I got irritated. I refused to learn because my younger sister was more musically talented than I. 

For many years I avoided doing things that I didn't particularly have natural gifting for. When I started Pre-Calculus my junior year of high school my teacher recommended I drop the class because she knew that if I wasn't going to apply myself it would be a waste of time for me. So I took her advice and opted for another art class. The lesson I learned from that wasn't to give up but rather to give it 100% or nothing at all. However the problem that arose was that if I felt any level of inferiority or inadadquacy then I simply avoided the situation all together. As I learned where I could excel I continued to invest. Running seemed rather natural to me from a very young age. I almost joined the cross country team when I started juinor high but I remember a comment from dad, "it's not called cross country for nothing" putting enough doubt in my mind that I never ran again. Once he moved away my senior year of high school and I knew I wouldn't face disapproval, I joined the team. Being apart of that team changed me. Not only did I start to run again but the camaraderie and the commitment resulted in more self confidence and assurance. I'm still learning to try new things, to branch out into the unknown. 

I plan on going camping with some guys next month. It's going to be a completely new experience for me. I don't usually do this sort of thing but I'm cautiously stepping out. Initially when I read the email my buddy sent me about the camping trip I responded immediately that I wanted to join the trip. But then as I thought about going, it seemed too unfamiliar. First of all, I don't have anything one needs for a rafting and camping weekend, not water shoes nor a sleeping bag or even a flashlight. The idea of spending a weekend out in the wilderness sounds fun until I think about what I'll eat for the 48 hours I'm disconnected from the civilized world. As I thought about the material things I didn't have required for such a trip, I lost the desire to even try it. Thinking about missing work, paying for the weekend, and purchasing supplies squashed any remaining resolve as I convinced myself it would be too expensive. I was letting the possession of tangible things to directly affect my thoughts, emotions, and actions. Thankfully my friends are better than my own self-doubt and reassured me that I should go. One friend took me to REI and helped me buy a backpack and he's going to let me borrow some of his camping gear. 

In the back of my mind I have this idea that men should know how to do whatever is that they are doing. At twenty-seven I should be much more certain about what I can do. Real adults are good at what they do, they have clarity and direction. My perception is that adults are not trying to learn a new trade or figure anything out. We should be successful at our jobs, good parents, and have a clear "ten year plan" laid out. After all, you can't teach an old dog new tricks, right? Wrong. I think that's one of the biggest lies I've believed about what it means to be an adult. As soon as we stop learning we stop growing. Anyone who has ever owned a plant knows that no growth precedes death. I'm not willing to continue to live under the impression that I have to be the best at everything I do, there is always room for growth. I will not be held at bay with the possibility of venturing into the unknown because I'd miss opportunity, adventure, and ultimately living. Learning and adapting are signs of a healthy life, an active mind, and a peaceful spirit. 

Vegan Chocolate Cake with Vegan Buttercream Caramel Frosting

In our life group we try to celebrate birthdays with homemade cakes. Just last week I got to enjoy a vanilla funfetti cake for my own. As a very proud red meat consumer when I found out my co-leader, who eats vegan, had a birthday coming up I was quite hesitant to even attempt a birthday cake. However, after scouring the internet and talking with a couple others in our life group I decided to take on the challenge. With just a couple hours in the kitchen (and running back to the store!) and by combining several different recipes I successfully made a very sweet vegan dessert! 

I'm not typically a food blogger so forgive my pictures, but I hope this can help somebody else! Here's what I did: 

Vegan Chocolate Cake 

1 ¼ cup flour 

½ cup sugar 

½ cup brown sugar 

⅓ cup cocoa powder 

1 teaspoon baking soda 

½ teaspoon salt 

½ cup rich coffee

⅓ cup vegetable oil 

¼ cup applesauce
1 teaspoon vanilla extract 

1 teaspoon balsamic vinegar 

Preheat the oven to 350ºF/175ºC.

In a stand mixer combine the dry ingredients. 

Add all other liquid ingredients and blend until smooth. 

Pour into a 9" round non-stick pan. 

Bake for 30 minutes. 

*If you want to keep the cake from rising in the center, cut an old towel into strips, wet them under the faucet and wrap them around the cake pan.

 

Vegan Caramel

1 cup sugar

2 Tablespoons vegan margarine

½ cup coconut milk

1 teaspoon of salt

First, have all your ingredients ready because it will burn if you walk away! Put a metal pan in the freezer to chill.

In a heavy bottom sauce pan heat the sugar on med-high stirring every 15 seconds. Within two minutes it will all melt. 

Reduce heat to low and add the margarine continuing to stir. 

Slowly add the coconut milk stirring it all together.

It will begin to boil and bubble up, remove from heat after 3-5 minutes (depending how fluid or thick you want the caramel sauce to be). Once it is all one beautiful creamy caramel, remove pan from freezer and pour sauce onto pan, this allows for the caramel to set quickly; I later put it in a Mason jar for safe keeping.

Vegan Buttercream Frosting

1 cup vegan margarine

2 lbs powdered sugar

½ cup coconut milk

½ cup caramel sauce

2 teaspoons vanilla

salt to taste

In a mixing bowl whip margarine for a minute or two until it's nice and fluffy.

Slowly add 1 pound of powdered sugar, no more than ½ cup at a time.

Mix in coconut milk, caramel, and vanilla. (I also added Kahlúa as it was a 21st birthday!)

Continue whipping on low and slowly add the rest of the powered sugar. 

Add salt to taste. 

Finally, after topping the cake with freshly made frosting I drizzled extra caramel over top! 

(I made a stencil and molded chocolate numbers that were later removed from the cake.)

This should've posted weeks ago.

For the last several months I've been contemplating sending out an update. Christmas seems like the opportune time to send out a letter except that the holidays come whizzing by only for me to realize that the season has already come and gone. Metaphorically standing at home plate, anticipating the ball, I see the pitcher wind up and suddenly--strike, I missed it. I had also considered making Christmas cards and sending them out, but that didn't exactly get past the drawing board in my mind. So the ever-effective email it is.

Today I arrived home after spending the week with Teach Overseas at the Urbana missions conference. I went with the same organization I had taught for in Turkey in order to recruit new teachers to join our program. As I continue my involvement with Teach Overseas I'm trying to be prayerful about how God might have us work together in the future. My aim is to be proactive in preparing for whatever and wherever it is I'm called by being faithful with what I believe God is asking of me now.

My current involvement with ROCKHARBOR is rewarding and fulfilling. I'm so grateful to our church and the entire community that it took to pull off nine Christmas services that weekend. With the opportunity to act in the theatrical piece at each of those services, I saw dozens of people using their talents to celebrate the immense wonder of Christmas. Just the other day while at Urbana a girl came up to me and said she was from ROCKHARBOR. She brought a friend to the Christmas Eve service and the friend joined the eternal kingdom submitting her life to the Lord that night.

As I look ahead into 2013 I trust God will continue to provide for all I need wherever he wants me to be. My hope was to have started seminary for a Masters in Theology and Cross Cultural Ministry by next week, but I am still putting together my finances and will need to seek scholarships before I'm fully ready. In the mean time, I bought a stack of books at the conference that I intend to tackle, I'll continue meeting with a newly formed life-group, and wait for guidance on what's next.

Receiving Grace

When I sat down at lunch to discuss the current state of my life-group I didn't anticipate talking much about myself. Upon being asked to give a little summary of my life I found clarity for questions I've been pondering for the last two years. Re-baptism has been on my mind. You see I was baptized while still in elementary school and have recently been wondering if its validity holds in my adult life. Since childhood I've certainly been "working out" my faith. Finally, after years of a riding the waves of spirituality, going up and down, my life constantly in flux I resolved that I would take my spiritual life seriously. Let me back up a bit.

At birth I was loved by two Christian parents, my dad was in seminary and by the time I had two younger sisters I knew we were Christians. So at the ripe age of five I realized that I too needed Jesus. I wore ridiculous shirts with edgy messages of truth to school (i.e. Can't take the heat? Stay outta hell!). When my sister announced she was getting baptized I figured I should too. "Why not?" was really the question. It seemed right; I was following the steps of being a Christian. I was baptized, by my father, at age ten. Then once in junior high I was in a private Christian school. My sixteenth birthday was celebrated on the mission field in Mexico. My life appeared very Christian. But when I finished high school I had already been living on my own for a year and was figuring out who I was as a young adult. One night I found myself making out with a boy from work; I was in shock. "I'm a Christian! How could this happen?"

My confusion led to anger and to more wandering than wondering. As I tried to pursue Jesus, the temptation to go after other men grew increasingly difficult. The years in university proved to be more polarizing than any. Bouncing between church clubs and gay clubs I constantly tried to validate both sides of me, the mystic and cognizant. It never worked. The two were constantly butting heads until I finally surrendered, again and again.

Over the past few years the war within me has subsided and it's easier for my fleshly side to surrender thus giving the spiritual more power. Jesus said a man can't serve two masters and while he was talking about God and money the point remains. As I learn to be a man who is becoming grounded in the word, in prayer, and in action the Lord gives new life and purpose for me. Where I'm at at now isn't a place of nirvana but it's where I've longed to be for so terribly long. Involved in a solid church community, reading the Bible, praying with others, and serving for the growth of God's kingdom on earth. Now that I'm actually living out my convictions the thought to get baptized into this lifestyle almost seems right. However, today I realized that this journey over the past few years is merely a chapter, an extension of what was started long ago.

Before I was born God was working out my story. It was no surprise to him when at five I "accepted Jesus in my heart", when I was baptized, or when I went on my first mission trip. The Lord wasn't waiting for me to do those things. He also knew I would mess up, that I'd hook up with boys and question if his own existence even mattered. God wasn't sitting by hoping I'd believe him; he wasn't dismissing my faith or pursuit of him when I sinned. He was certainly grieved, but he continued to seek me. The fact that God finally got a hold me isn't a testament of my faithfulness, but of his! So getting baptized again wouldn't be the right response, because that would indicate that my salvation was somehow based on my own actions rather than salvation being a gift from God. I'm a work in progress for which God knows the beginning and the end. My ups and downs don't change how he perceives me; they certainly may cloud my own judgment but not his.

The words from Everlasting by Hillsong come to mind:

A thousand times I've failed
Still your mercy remains
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in your grace

Urbana

During the advent season leading up to Christmas I heard a sermon on joy. "True joy that comes from the Lord doesn't change based on the current circumstances at hand." At least, that's the idea or goal anyway. For the past few of weeks I've been wrestling with that idea. Firstly, I question what it looks like to be that connected with our God. The God who made the world and everything in it. He brings in the surf, sets the seagulls to soar, and the snow to mingle slowly down to earth. He sends the breeze through the grass and the earth to orbit around the sun. He does it all. The thought alone of being in union with the divine is daunting. Stopping before my mind explodes at the vastness of an infinite and timeless God I have to pause. How do I identify with him amidst such greatness? This doesn't even begin to skim the surface. Simply, God is so much more than I can grasp; that is okay. Secondly, how do I go about receiving joy from this everything-God? For me right now I can say that it's because of God that I have joy; I can choose joyfulness instead of bitterness, instead of anger or irritability. Despite any circumstantial problem I want to be able to see God's goodness in all things, and thus, my response will be joy--maybe even constantly choosing it.  

While at Urbana this past week I experienced something completely unexpected. As I set up my recruiting booth I thought I recognized a friend. So as to not draw attention to myself I stood some distance away studying his face. It had been quite a few years since I had seen him so I neared closer to casually walk by him, hoping to get a glance at his name tag. Yet, before I was close enough to read it I saw his face light up when he saw me. Neither of us knew the other was attending the conference and the sheer joy made me well up with tears as I hugged my brother. Seeing him was not a coincidental run-in. His participation was a testament to his faithfulness in following the Lord, our presence demonstrated God's providence to keep us within his flock. Filled with shouts of joy and laughter our reunion was quickly cut short due to the hectic schedules we both had that day. As it was New Years Eve the celebration reverberated with the praise songs of sixteen-thousand people. Driven to find my buddy again before my flight left the next morning I convinced a security guard to let me down onto the floor. Then as volleyed like a pinball from one guard to another I found my way to his section. Again we embraced, we sang and danced, and finally we prayed. Something very strange happened, I felt compelled to kiss him. As we closed the prayer he beat me to it kissing my cheek; I responded likewise. 

Despite the wonderful opportunities I've had to live abroad I'm still very North American in showing affection, especially when in the USA. Perhaps traveling to India or living in Turkey prepared me to reach a level of comfortability to affirm my deep love for another man in an absolutely healthy way. More than chalking it up to some expat experience I attribute this growth to the work of Christ. As I'm growing up, Jesus is making himself known to me. I'm starting to release the constrains that I had once put on myself, that I had let society label me with, and rest in knowing I am a man cleansed in the death of Christ and living through his life.