November

When I stepped out of Orange County to live in Turkey I thought I would be leaving everything behind; teaching in Istanbul was my big ticket out of America. As I prepared for departure I sold nearly everything I owned, stored a few boxes away in a friend's garage, packed a couple suitcases, and threw out a load of stuff last minute. It was the kind of reckless abandon that only comes from something greater than my own volition. In truth, I was mentally prepared to spend many years teaching English abroad, so getting rid of anything aided that transition. About a year ago, when I had been teaching for a couple months I started to realize it was nothing like my previous teaching experience. Living in Turkey was great, however, working there was a daily struggle. Many of my students lacked respect, discipline, and responsibility. Administration simply shrugged their shoulders giving me, the teacher, additional tasks and guidelines. By the time that I was reprimanded by one of the principals who discussed my error in keeping a handful of students in detention I knew that I couldn't keep at it much longer. I would gladly return to the states before subjecting myself to another year of the utter chaos of the Turkish education system.

Today marks five months back home. I continue daily to appreciate Orange County's keenness for fine food, predilection for Mother Earth, and of course--my church community. Ironically enough I am quite literally back where I started. Not only am I back at church, but working at the same restaurant where I had previously been employed for the two years prior to my farewell. There's a tendency to slip right back into the way things were before. People ask if I'm one of those "life-servers" but I swear that I'm getting out of the restaurant industry one day. With my recent acceptance to grad school I hope to get my Masters in Theology. In the mean time as I settle back into American life I'm reminded that my quality of living isn't what it used to be. Selling everything meant returning to nothing. While the Lord is using faithful friends and family who have provided me housing, a bed as well as other household goods, and most recently a car I want to be cautious of creeping cravings to get more.

Possession is a strange thing. The more that I have the less I appreciate, the less I feel the need to do, to create, to be adventurous. There's something about not having everything that provides a healthy hunger for improvement. The unwanted past couple of years of being single has given me clarity of what I want in a wife, not having a TV to watch opens my mind to literature, even the lack of wifi encourages me to get moving and run. All the time I had in Turkey thinking about how unsatisfied I was with my day-to-day life there I was able to realize where I truly wanted to be; the man that I want to be is bold and kind, creative and blesses others, compassionate and authentic, committed, active and adventurous. Senselessly scrolling Facebook and watching TV are never going to get me there. I've realized that I need a great deal of structure in my life. My finances are in the process of an all out overhaul, my yoga schedule a bit more regimented, and runs are planned. I'm altogether seeking more intentionality rather than killing time awaiting for the stars to come into alignment. The more I take ownership, the more I am satisfied when meeting my goals as I see the change that I aim after. So I'm thankful that I don't have everything I want. Yes, my needs are met, but there maintains a healthy ambition that infuses fervor into becoming the man I am created to be.

Trying to Surrender

Hearing miraculous stories from the bible and reading about God himself speaking to people showed me there was more to seek from the Lord than what experienced in the Christian home I grew up in. Many times as I look for clarity I still tell God I want a sign; I ask that he would clearly reveal to me what it is that he is calling me to. But Jesus says that it's the wicked who seeks after signs and wonders; only he is sufficient. That's always been a tough pill for me to swallow. A couple weeks ago my church gathered together for Seek Week; in the mornings throughout the work-week we came to pray together and in the evenings we came together again to worship with music, prayer, and study. Initially, I came with the idea that I might want specific direction on where I should go and what I ought to do. Maybe I'll study or perhaps pursue other cross-cultural ministry opportunities. My questions about the future usually revolve around the theme, "God, I'm at a crossroads; should I do a, b, or c?" While I think it's absolutely vital to acknowledge these turning points and ask God for direction, I'm concerned that I am doing it because I seek my own benefit. At the beginning of Seek Week I surrendered to the Lord my desire for direction and simply admitted my desperate need for him to be at work in my life.

In asking God to teach me about himself so that I would be compelled to seek after him more diligently and passionately, I let go of my worldly evil anticipation of a sign. As we sang my heart was open. When we prayed my mind was active in prayer and adoration rather than wondering if something that was said was a sign. A couple of my friends from the deaf community were there that morning. When we gathered in a small group they had no interpreter so I fumbled my way through trying to translate what was said in prayer to ASL so that they could pray with us. When people shared words of knowledge they'd received my friends were gracious as I tried finger spell words I didn't know. Near the end of our pre-sunrise gathering when the pastor asked those who felt that any of the words of knowledge were for them to come forward for prayer one of the deaf guys went forward. Going with him I realized that I had to continue translating as we prayed over him. I didn't do anything. I'm embarrassed to say that I was surprised when God showed up like that. It was in my complete surrender and willingness to let go that God grabbed me and used me.

How can I continue to live in that posture? Right now I have no idea. I'm certain that there is nothing that I can do to make God love me more or love me less. His work in this world, in our church, and in my life does not require that I do anything. What need does the Creator have of man, his creation? But God will have his way and I want to be involved wherever and however he plans. Queen Esther's uncle Morecai gives her this nugget of wisdom in Esther four, don't think you're any different but even if you keep still God will not relent, he will have his way. But who knows if God has set this time for you or not? This passage resonates with me so deeply. I don't know exactly what God is up to. One thing I do know is that he is at work around the world, and he's using people to do it too. I want to be one of the willing ones, one of those who is expectant for God to reveal himself but doesn't put constrictions on what that has to look like. 

What am I doing?

It's so hard to be back in America without a specific purpose. The biggest reason that I came back to Orange County is to be involved with ROCKHARBOR; but church activities don't pay the bills. I'm wrestling with what to do next. Each time I think about applying at a restaurant it initially seems like a good idea. I have experience in the food industry and it pays well. But when it's time to bite the bullet and apply I run the other direction. Everything in me wants to stay out of the restaurant because simply, it's too good of a job. Fear of getting locked in and comfortable with pay, with my coworkers, and general server lifestyle keeps me at bay. On the other hand the hours are unpredictable, except for the promise of working late nights. I don't want the same life I had 18 months ago; it's time for change.

Despite being quite miserable last year, teaching is something I really enjoy. I consider last year to be a failure in that area. As much as I acknowledge that my training didn't equip me for working under an unsupportive administration in a high school of corrupt boys, I quit trying. For self preservation and sanity I stopped giving 100% as an educator. Questions of adequacy and capability plagued my thoughts during that season. Unfortunately those ideas still weigh very heavy on my mind. Looking failure straight in the face I have two options, walk away in surrender or attack with higher powered weaponry. I'd like to choose the latter and that requires returning to classroom. Before doing that I need to be better prepared for the challenges I'll face both in the classroom and with administration.

Leaving to go teach and live abroad means not being involved at church. These two things, church and work abroad, are both super important in my life, but it seems that I can't have them both. So once again I've come home from being abroad and still feel lost within my own home. It doesn't help that I don't have a job or a place to live. I desperately crave structured routine in my life. Now that I'm in the states again it's important for me to take advantage of the land of opportunity by going back to school. While I consider going to get my masters in TESOL to prepare myself for cross cultural education I also think about seminary. Going to seminary would help give me a more solid foundation in the word, how to live it out, teach it, explain it, etc. which would be awesome when living abroad in a culture that doesn't have the same spiritual views and values that we do.

I knew this would happen. One of the hardest things about deciding to come back to the USA was knowing that it would challenge my sense of purpose and direction; I'd be broke and wandering (seemingly aimlessly). The Western mindset would not worry, convinced this will all work out. After living abroad I'm a touch less hopeful. Teaching in Istanbul never worked itself out, it was a nightmare. But I go back to Jesus and I'm certain that he's at least working in my heart and mind right now. Even if it doesn't immediately all pan out so great financially or open up doors for another adventure I will keep pressing in and try to figure out the next step. My brain is a slush mixed with ideas, hopes, passions, and wants. 

back to school

For the past couple of weeks I've been living Pasadena helping to train the teachers who will be going to Turkey in September. It takes a lot of time and I need to make more time for my devotions. This morning I was reading in the book of Exodus a bit. Now when I say reading what I actually mean is skimming through really quickly while thinking about the lesson I'm supposed to teach tomorrow. It's been fairly frustrating reading parts of the Old Testament that don't speak to me. Lately I've realized that I'm just not happy with my relationship with God. If I was honest, and I'm going to be honest, I would say that I wish God would speak more clearly on a regular basis. Unfortunately for me each time I open the bible doesn't promise a powerfully divine revelation. Most often I read and a verse may stick out and be encouraging or convicting, but not so regularly do I recognize it as God speaking to me personally. When I read parts of the Law it can be seriously boring because I don't know how the instructions and exact cubits of building are applicable to God's story now. Today's reading included a chapter in Exodus that talked about all the requirements the priests were to do to give their "wave offering" by flapping some pita bread in the air before burning it.

No interest. Continuing with the honesty I'll admit that not only do I not get how this ritual applies to me today but I can't imagine living in this time and being required to offer a sacrifice by fanning the air with some flatbread only to then light it on fire with a lamb's entrails--which is supposed to be a pleasing aroma. Still confused and thinking about the day ahead. Upon reading Exodus 29:44 though I paused. "I will also consecrate Aaron and his sons to minister as priests to Me." Immediately I thought about my name replacing Moses' brother's; God will consecrate Nate to be a minister of the Gospel. I wrote it in my journal as a prayer. It crossed my mind to write the sentence as it says, "and his sons" but since I'm still single I didn't. As much as I want to have sons who are also messengers of Christ, I don't want to have a false hope that God has promised me a family. So I noted the verse in my journal and continued my morning reading.

As the day went on I reluctantly had to drive to an informational meeting in Orange County. While en route I called my mom who is taking care of her dying father in Chicago. She began to update me about all the health concerns both of my grandparents are currently facing. We know that they don't have much more time. Then she shared with me one of the tender moments she got to have with her dad. He had called her over to his bedside asking her to retrieve his jewelry box. When my grandfather's grandparents married in 1880 my great-great-grandmother gave her new husband a gift. The new precious jewelry was then passed to my grandfather because he was the only Baptist son in the family. I chuckled about him inheriting it due to his religion. But my grandpa told my mom he wanted to give it to my dad, his son-in-law, as my dad is a Baptist minister in the Army. In turn my dad said he will likely give them to me one day. I was excited, honored, and humbled. The meeting that I was driving to was to find out more about seminary and the reason I didn't want to go to it was because I question how qualified I am for ministry this intense.

When I remembered the verse that I wrote down this morning and thought of the family heirloom being passed from one generation of ministers to the next God gave me the assurance to take the next step. I don't know what the Lord would have for me in the future. At this point I'm still trying to find a job that will allow me to be actively involved at ROCKHARBOR on a regular basis. I'm also trying to seek out more artistic endeavors which I greatly missed while living in Istanbul. There's a lot that I'm sorting through but I am going to keep stepping into wherever God is leading because I'm confident that if it's from him then he'll provide further direction and means.

welcome home

For some people reverse culture shock is worse than adjusting to a foreign culture. Mentally preparing to return to my mother country made it easier to acclimate upon re-entry. While living in Turkey I learned to roll with the punches. It's not uncommon for a trip to the big grocery store to take three hours instead of 45 minutes as I wondered around the store searching for aluminum foil, soy sauce, or any other moderately obscure item on my list. Spending several extra minutes to look for a bus or find the ticket station wasn't abnormal. Arriving back in California I knew I wouldn't have a car and that I'd have to find different ways to get around. Walking an hour to church last week wasn't that big of deal. A year ago I was living one mile from church and had never as much as rode my bike. Now I live nearly four miles away and I've already walked it once. Obviously there were some things I forgot to plan for though.

My first Sunday back at church was very low key. In fact in the morning I didn't even go because the Euro Cup finale was on TV and I wasn't about to miss Spain demolishing Italy. On my second Sunday though I jumped right back in and served with the greet team that I worked with a year ago. While the majority of the people serving on that team are different than last year I resumed position at the front door joyfully shaking hands until my own hand hurt. I love saying welcoming people to church. While greeting at the front door people move past me with track star strides or get lost in the glowing screen of their mobile phone but I try to slow them down enough to shake hands. Some people take the time to say hello and introduce themselves, but usually it's just a quick handshake as they walk by.

The people who do stop to chat are usually already friends of mine. But on Sunday I had a guy start asking me questions; he turned out to be quite chatty. Suddenly he blubbered out, "I just surrendered my life to God today." He had been raised in a Catholic church and was so focused on doing what he thought was right and required of him that he missed knowing the Lord. As he talked he poured out his thoughts and confessed that he had been to three of the four Sunday services at our church that day. For the first time he encountered his Savior; he continued coming because he wanted to sing praises to God. He swelled with joy. Before he left that evening he found me yet again and we talked a bit more. As we prayed together I celebrated not only what God was doing in his life but also thanked the Lord for allowing me to be a part of it. I have greatly missed moments like this; it's evident that the Holy Spirit is unmistakably at work in people's.  I can handle more of these surprising God moments when he reminds me that this shouldn't be culture shock but rather what I pray for and expect.

Marriage Equality

Famed Christian author and Englishman, C.S. Lewis, wrote the following in chapter six of book three in "Mere Christianity" nearly seventy years ago: 

"I should like to distinguish two things which are very often confused. The Christian conception of marriage is one: the other is the quite different question — how far Christians, if they are voters or Members of Parliament, ought to try to force their views of marriage on the rest of the community by embodying them in the divorce laws. A great many people seem to think that if you are a Christian yourself you should try to make divorce difficult for every one. I do not think that. At least I know I should be very angry if the Mahommedans tried to prevent the rest of us from drinking wine. My own view is that the Churches should frankly recognize that the majority of the British people are not Christians and, therefore, cannot be expected to live Christian lives. There ought to be two distinct kinds of marriage: one governed by the State with rules enforced on all citizens, the other governed by the Church with rules enforced by her on her own members. The distinction ought to be quite sharp, so that a man knows which couples are married in a Christian sense and which are not."


What stikes me is the relevance that this statement carries today. While written in the 1940s about divorce it perfectly applies to the current struggle for equality among the GLBT community in the USA today. The discussion over gay marriage continues to simmer in the social saucepan of our country. After the most recent state voted to ban unions between same sex couples I've been thinking a lot about how vocal I have (or haven't) been concerning the issue. Usually I leave these conversations to happen in person. It seems like it can be a bit disconcerting to simply read somebody's thoughts on a blog which is all too often insufficiently written and misunderstood. But I recently read an article in Relevant Magazine where two Christians gave their opinion on the gay marriage debate; it's also where I first read this quote from C.S. Lewis. Usually these conversations are unbalanced rants, but thankfully the publication from the Christian magazine held to its high standard for thoughtful, provoking, and biblically sound articles.

I digress, it's not my intention for this post to be a heady or merely informative. I believe there is so much truth in the above quote. The morality of same sex marriage has been a question that I've been wrestling with since I had to vote on Prop 8 in California. My conclusion about gay marriage rights has been the same as C.S. Lewis' had on divorce. Why are we holding non believers to the same standard that Christ holds to his followers? There shouldn't be a debate, we are all human, we all should have the same rights. Many people, like the man who penned the first viewpoint, believe that we have an obligation to defend marriage as a Christian institution. But if we are holding up marriage as a biblical union between a man and a woman then why do we let people who aren't Christians get married? The truth is that we can't keep regulating the general public with some views that Christians themselves can't even agree upon. 


It's the Church's job, the responsibility for each person who claims to follow Jesus Christ, to first love God, and secondly to love others. Jesus says that if we love him we'll obey his commands. I'm not so concerned with all of humanity following the rules as much as I am worried that they won't know what the love of Jesus looks like. I used to think that because of my own moral convictions that I had after studying the bible that I should do my best to make sure everyone else adhered to the code of conduct I saw in Scripture. It only seemed logical. God says he wants humanity to do something, so why would I back others who wanted to live contrarily to that? In the end I admitted that it is the job of the Holy Spirit to convict people of their sin, not mine. In the same way that I didn't constantly admonish my little sister for drinking underage, I don't see the benefit in discriminating against same sex couples. We must stop allowing "separate but equal" treatment of the GLBT community. They have their own convictions, and if they are seeking God I trust that the Lord will reveal himself to them. When the person needs someone to talk to I pray that they turn to their Christian neighbor, to their believing coworker, or to their kind waiter who talked about missions for Jesus. We will not win any to Jesus by political rhetoric but by loving them. 

hoping for the best

I keep sitting down with hopes to blog but I either forget what I was going to write about or the thoughts that have been on my mind all day don’t seem so important anymore. One thing that I think about daily is returning home. It will be nice to have cinnamon rolls again. Obviously I crave more than food and sweets. But I am making a list of places I want to eat. When my students ask what kind of food I eat in America I tell them that I like sushi, pho and Vietnamese baguettes, steak, boba milk-tea, Thai curries, Indian curries, to name a few. Then they usually hassle me about that food not being American. I think they expect us to eat hamburgers, hot dogs, and pizza every day. I do want to go to The Counter and have a burger with melted brie, dried cranberries, sautéed mushrooms, and a garlic aioli spread. So I think about food a lot.

My students also ask me about Turkish food. When we first arrived I remember being at home one evening starving out of my mind. I had no idea where to get food, save the market by school where I could buy a bag of chips and some candy. No thanks. One of our friends said they thought there was a little village up the hill by the mosque that might have a restaurant or two. Once we head up there we found a place where we soon became regulars. I knew that if I went often I would eventually grow tired of the same place but as we tried other restaurants it seemed they all had the same menu. When I think about the culture here and the food that’s available definitely more uniform. Turkish food generally consists of kebabs, wraps, and döners.

I’m not sitting here trying to talk about food. Despite knowing some of the things that I will enjoy back in California I’m aware, at least cognitively that I won’t be in Istanbul for much longer. Soon I’ll have to start making my rounds to my favorite places. Even writing that I’m not sure what specific spots I’d like to go to. Perhaps what’s more important for me is trying to figure out how to say goodbye to the friends I have here. What compounds an already emotional farewell is the uncertainty that lies ahead. In merely fifty-three days I’ll have a flight home but I don’t know where I’ll live or what I’ll do for work. It’s easy to consider staying here when I know I can be moderately comfortable. I wouldn’t keep the same job or flat but at least it’s familiar. The uncertainty is paralyzing. Thinking about the exchange rate and comparing the cost of living—it all seems impossible. Baby steps. One little thing at a time, looking forward to what may be ahead, or at least to what I’m anticipating.

As the weather warms up I long for the beach. Today would be a day to be at Newport and soak up some sun, breath in the salty ocean air, and run on the sand. I’ve been running a bit more often here as well as trying to strengthen my knees. After the last marathon in OC, which was over a year ago, my knee started acting up. But after much time of rest over this winter I’m now starting back at level zero slowly jogging five kilometers around the small track at the park by the house. Just this weekend I discovered another but much bigger track a couple metro stops away that I plan to visit in order to build up my distance running. I did yoga in the house this weekend. When I think about going back home I think about returning to the things I enjoyed doing there. But I think I have to prepare for it to be different. Initially I’m sure it will be wonderful to be back home but the excitement will slowly morph into adjustment. That is scary.

Changing Perspective

Many people in the Christian faith talk about waiting for God's timing. I've been asking myself recently where I see the Lord at work in my life here. While living in Istanbul I realized that I didn't see him in specific ways or experience the Spirit's presence in my life as I had while living in California. It frustrated me quite a bit; I began wondering if God really was at work here. Of course the answer to that question was immediately a resounding yes, but I didn't see it. I was so used to seeing God work in my community but once removed from that I had to make an adjustment I wasn't prepared for. When I read a verse the other day I was overwhelmed with a sense of ineptitude mixed with relief. "The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent." 2 Peter 3:9 NLT. God is not slow. He is patient for me. Again, God isn't slow, he's actually patient waiting for me to be in step with him. While my heart has been trying to be in tune with God's plan my eyes haven't been seeing like he sees. One thing that I continue to run across in preparation for our Bible study at the international church is love and obedience. I have been reading John 13-15 as I look for common themes and ideas as it relates to Jesus' promise of the Holy Spirit. What surprises me is the frequency in this section that Jesus says that we are to obey his commands and his command is to love one another.

For a couple years it has been my prayer that God would open my eyes to love people like he does. But what would that love look like; what does it mean to love others around us? Being at my ultra trendy artistic church in image conscious Orange County it was so easy for me to love other like minded people. We all could go get coffee at Kéan, hang at the beach, have a beer at the Lab, and go to yoga without really challenging or offsetting one another's social norms. Then I joined a team of people to come teach abroad. Most people that work for the ministry that I'm with are fresh out of college, and I expected that the team I'd be with in Istanbul would be an fairly average, moderately conservative sampling of North American twenty-somethings. Upon arrival at training last summer the majority of the teachers were indeed single and under 30 as I had expected but once meeting my team those expectations evaporated into thin air. Two of us among our team of ten fit that bill. Listening to my new teammates talk about their lives, their years of experience, and their children, I began to freak out. Convinced that I wouldn't be able to connect with the majority of my team based on their way of dress, biblical convictions, or abnormal social behavior I was worried to say the least. I began to act differently than I had in my home environment as I tried to find my place between the 23 year old married couple and the two 54 year-old single folks. Confused, I kept thinking about how different we were, and I didn't know what to do in order to bridge the gaps. One afternoon one of the married girls said she needed some wine. It was that moment when I remembered that in order to agree wholeheartedly with each other, to love one another, and work together with one mind and purpose I'd have to look for the commonalities and not the differences.

It got difficult, even worse, before it got better. Soon I learned that I'd have to be living with an old guy I didn't understand. Literally all I could do to make it through some days was to not say anything at all. I listened and bit my lip trying to be silently polite, trying to endure what seemed like a social experiment. I was waiting for someone to point to the hidden camera and give me a cash prize for not losing my cool. There were times where I felt like I was going through some inane test. Despite the challenges we all learned more about each other, especially as we lived together; soon things didn't seem as horrendous as I had imagined they would be. Earlier this winter I finally acknowledged that my relationship with the teammates here wasn't just tolerable, but it could be and generally was enjoyable. At last, this month I remembered my prayer to see people through Jesus' eyes. I'm not claiming to have figured it all out but I have a valuable lesson learned--or learning. Jesus came to us and was kind to all the weirdos; he made them his friends. He stopped and got to know the midget in the tree, the noxious smelling fishermen, the shrewd tax collectors, and the slutty women. He was looking for people who were willing to be raw and share their lives in the midst of their grossness and despite their abnormal or unacceptable social behavior. In fact Peter rarely got what Jesus was getting at. Jesus' comment, "Are you still so dull?" in Matthew 15:16 shows his patience with us.

I recognize that I don't get it most of the time, but I'm awfully glad the Lord doesn't give up on me. If I were to have the patience with others that Jesus did I imagine I'd actually get to know people a lot more intimately and be able to more adequately demonstrate Christ's love to them. If I can't do that with my roommate then how can I claim to love and follow God who doesn't live here? When I go back to my community in Southern California I know there is a pressure to act, dress, and behave a certain way. But when people fall outside of the social, excepted, and cultural norm I don't want to write them off as so divergent that I won't take the time to know them and love them as Jesus does. Praise God for the things we have in common and for the things that draw us closer together through similar passions and interests, but if that gets in the way of openly sharing God's love then I will have completely missed it. He is ultimately what brings us together; he is the common denominator.

Is there anything left?

It's tough to blog when you think that people will actually read it. Luckily for me I think there are only about three to five people who come across my blog on a regular basis so maybe that will give me the freedom to actually type out what I'm feeling. I'm much better at sharing when things are going well, but when everything seems to go awry it's not something I am particularly good at fleshing out. As an external processor practicing this could be beneficial. A couple weeks ago I bought a sketch book and have been trying to sit down and draw at least once a week. I was exercising in the morning for a bit but then I got sick (again) and had to recover from that. I've run a couple times recently too. The exercise is always a positive for my emotional and spiritual well being but my right knee continues to be sore from an unknown problem. I've considered going to the doctor here but haven't yet.

Right now I feel like there are a number of problems that I could identify but no matter what I try I don't see a remedy. I've been jailed in our basement apartment today basically because I just lost the will to do anything. After moving into this new flat six weeks ago I began to notice a change in my attitude and quality of life. While I don't blame the new place I do think that living in a basement with bars on windows that look out to a mound of dirt and a parking lot has had a negative affect on me. Through the years my dad always reminded me that life is 10% what happens out of my control and 90% attitude. I want to be happy, I want to have a good attitude toward it all but the truth is right now I don't. I'm not pleased with where we live, with the school I work for, with the way our team is avoiding the problems we need to work through, or the way the organization back home seems unprepared to deal with it all or support us.

I'm so angry that this isn't fun. This experience is not what I anticipated and my disappointment is quite palpable. Before coming here I thought I would be a good teacher. I thought I'd be on a team of like-minded people. When it comes down to it, there is a lot that has gone wrong or that I don't like but I don't have to flesh it all out right now. What's more upsetting than nearly everything being an irritant is that as much as I try to change it nothing is different. In fact I feel more detached and incapable of being a catalyst for change. I want to infect the world with joy and hope but I've been stifled by people telling me what I can and can't do, who I can hang out with, what I can say, where I can go, and how I should do. Jesus said he came and did only what the Father told him to do. But I've lost that direction. Following being forced to change my ministry plan, after all the turmoil and hurt between people who are supposed to be like-minded I wonder why I am here. I know it's to represent Jesus, to show his love but I don't know how anymore. It's so difficult to persist when it doesn't seem like anything changes. That is where the frustration is. It's not because of the hardship, it's because I feel so stuck in it. Challenges come, sure, but it seems like they have already defeated me.

It's clear that my work situation isn't going to change. Our living situation already changed and unfortunately not for the better. The team has ignored issues that are causing major riffs. But I've been trying to work through what I can, to make sense of it, to make peace with it, and to make the most of it. So I'm going to stand up and dust myself off so that I can keep going with what I know I should be doing, finding the areas where I can make a difference rather than focusing on what is impossible.

March Madness

For the greater part of the last four months the unanswered question about the upcoming year has been looming and stirring in my mind, a murky mess of dreams and fear. At times I was quite certain that I would be able to stay teaching at this school long term, but that was short lived. Naturally I then swung to the polar opposite sentiment with eagerness and yearning to return to my home in Orange County. In the beginning of all of this it caused a lot of stress and I thought about it constantly. Finally, I decided I wasn’t going to give it any more consideration until the new year because it only caused anxiety and didn’t serve anything to worry about it. With the commencement of January I started thinking this over once again. But again I was met with so many unknowns that I couldn’t make a decision. Once more I resolved to return to America unless God gave me clear direction otherwise. By February I knew that if I was going to make any resolution with this it was time to be proactive.

Knowing that my heart longed to be back with my church community I began seeking employment where I saw a need in California with the organization under which I’m currently serving abroad. While the job had not been listed I perceived a need and felt that the draw to continue working with this non-profit was worth pursuing. Then I entered what seemed to be another dry spell. Without any response to my initial conversation about joining their ministry due to an added conflict we were all working through, I assumed the possibility of joining the partnership was now out of the picture. I knew that to move back to the USA would require some form of employment and sustenance for me to make that decision. Similarly I was not prepared to commit to staying in Istanbul working at this school, but toyed with the idea of staying if I found other work and could continue with ministry opportunities here.

This past Tuesday night I met with the leader of the young adults group from the international church. I wish we could have met earlier as I enjoy our conversations and his direction in my life. We’ve already scheduled a time to meet again next week. In our time talking together he not only proposed that we continue meeting to discuss and study together, but he also asked me to consider working with him in the future. I told him I had been waiting for an excuse to stay here thus I was quite happy with his proposition. There is potential for me to remain in Istanbul, perhaps teaching privately at a language school while working alongside him, studying the Scriptures and ministering to the international community. This seemed nearly ideal. I still would be working with the community where I’m currently a small group leader as well as being able to live abroad continuing life as an expat. Coming home I told my roommate this made everything much simpler. If I didn’t have a job lined up back home I was prone to stay in Turkey; with work here I’m privy to only go home for a bit in the summer before returning.

At last the clouds had parted and it seemed there was clarity. Knowing that I could still potentially partner with two ministries simultaneously I thought to call the one I’m currently working with to get their input along with any updates on my future with them. Our conversation quickly turned where I least expected. The group in the states that I presently work under suggested that I join their staff as the social network and recruiter guy. So much for clear skies. For months I had been waiting for a door to open. My deadline to decide was initially the 15th of March, today. Taking an extra two weeks I hope to know what I’m doing by the end of the month. Just when I thought it was finally evident where I should be investing long-term two doors opened instead of one; now I’m going to have to make a choice.

In both cases I have yet to talk with the person who would actually bring me on board, which when I do I trust will result in an explicit definition of the expectations and further understanding of what the work ahead would look like. Another commonality is that both ministries require support raising in order to continue the work of the ministries and subsidize the cost of living. But despite the similarities I feel like at I am at a giant fork in the road. I’m no fortuneteller, but I see these two opportunities leading to two radically different lives. A decision to stay in Turkey would be a commitment to at least a few years. I assume in that time I’d learn Turkish fluently and continue to acclimate to life in Istanbul, ultimately making a life here. While living here this year I realized that truly becoming an expat means saying sayonara to the all the things I love back home, at least for an indefinite amount of time anyway. On the other side of the coin is the same dilemma. Moving back to be apart of the ROCKHARBOR community would pull me out of the cross cultural and multilingual environment where I always had thought I wanted to live.

I’m reminded that I don’t know the future and that as much as I can plan, anticipate, or hope God knows what’s best for me. Eagerly I await him to guide my steps in the next several days. For the last decade I only knew what I would be doing about six months ahead of time. This is the first time that I’m being asked to make a long-term commitment to a place. My mind can’t fathom a commitment to one location for that long right now. Filling with conjectures about what could be it’s about ready to explode. Most of my worries lie in relationships, hopes to date and marry, to grow closer to my sisters as they mature as young women, to support my parents as they reunite, and everyone from the people I’m sharing with here to the dozens of relationships I have in back in America. To chose between these two different worlds seems impossibly insane.

Obstacles in the Race

A year ago I was amidst training for a marathon. It was amazing. I loved what I was doing despite that it wasn't always easy, it was always worth it. All the early mornings, the rainy Saturdays around the bay, and the aches in my blistered toes were worth it. Even once I got to the marathon I wasn't ready, in fact I was sick and on two hours of sleep. But it didn't matter how bad I felt I knew I had trained I was willing to run until I died, and I almost did. I've grown to love running. Running is a celebration of life. It also taught me a lot about how to persevere even when the wind was in my face and the rain in my eyes, ears, and shoes. Running taught me that if you want something bad enough you will push harder when there are obstacles.

For the near sited person an obstacle is reason to quit. I was always prone to quit. When I was in third grade I only finished the soccer season because my parents forced me since I had made a commitment. Later I would start painting and through them out because I didn't like where they were going. When something hinders me from what I think is my desired outcome I'm still prone to give up. Being tired becomes a reason to not exercise. Maybe a disagreement is a reason to not talk or anger is a reason to eat (or not eat). The list goes on. In my life I feel like I have to press in a lot more in order to attain the goal that's before me. I'm convinced that this difficult concept that I've learned from running must be true in life. I've heard it said, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for." So how much fight do I have in me? I want to be a better teacher, but I'm nearly ready to give up because I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. My point, that I'm trying to articulate mainly to myself, is that if you, Nate, want something then go get it. First, consider the cost. Is it worth it? Probably. But if you don't push through when everything in you wants to quit how will you ever know?

I trained for several months for the LA Marathon. When it came down to it, on the 20th of March of last year, I thought I was ready. The hard reality was that I wasn't. The cold rain poured down for several hours and I eventually was pulled away to safety. But I don't regret it for one second. I didn't even reach my goal, but at the end of the day I could honestly be happy that I put in everything I had. I know that not everyone gets a prize for running this race in the Christian life. But I'm going to try to get mine. I'm going to push so hard through all the obstacles that I don't look back wishing I would've lived differently. My prize is knowing Jesus Christ. I don't know what will come my way as I seek to know him better. The more I know of him the more I want to talk about him with others, the more I understand how lost I was without him, the more I see his goodness to me. I want to make that known and at least available to others. The cost is great. It hasn't required my breath but I know that if it did, it's the only thing I'd give up to reach my goal of knowing Christ.

1 Peter 4:12-19 "Dear friends, don’t be surprised at the fiery trials you are going through, as if something strange were happening to you. Instead, be very glad—for these trials make you partners with Christ in his suffering, so that you will have the wonderful joy of seeing his glory when it is revealed to all the world. So be happy when you are insulted for being a Christian, for then the glorious Spirit of God rests upon you. If you suffer, however, it must not be for murder, stealing, making trouble, or prying into other people’s affairs. But it is no shame to suffer for being a Christian. Praise God for the privilege of being called by his name! For the time has come for judgment, and it must begin with God’s household. And if judgment begins with us, what terrible fate awaits those who have never obeyed God’s Good News? And also, 'If the righteous are barely saved, what will happen to godless sinners?' So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you."

Urgent Meeting

I might as well write while on my way to this meeting. Less than an hour ago I got a call to come to the organization's offices for an emergency meeting. When I asked what it was about they wouldn't say; all they said is that they didn't want to talk about it on the phone. I'm not sure if I'm going to my death or what. The only thing that this could be about is the two students who came to church with me last weekend. But how would the organization I work for know about it? Last night I joked that if they found out and sent me home then that'd be great. I don't want to have to say goodbye like that but I'm not going to apologize for letting the guys come with me. This is surreal. It could be the beginning of the end or it could be nothing. It's not probable that I got pulled from my last two classes for nothing though. Maybe this is because I said I wouldn't come to a meeting?

Okay there is really not anything else this could be for other than church. It's weird to be blogging this from the car as I'm on my way to the surprise meeting. My fingers are cold as its hardly above freezing. Mixed with nervous tension it's hard to type. I'm not sure why I'm nervous. Truthfully, I don't like conflict and knowing that I'm walking into one is tough. I'm at peace with my actions. Minus the classroom I have no regrets. I wish I was a better teacher. My shuttle bus has arrived.

After passing through security I'm now in the waiting area. I should have kept up with yoga so I could better control my breathing and heart rate. The bright red couches clash against the clean white walls and make my eyes hurt. I need to just close them and pray.

My Father in Heaven,
Your goodness is on going and your ways are pure. Your love for me is perfect and sufficient. Even when I try to do good, Lord your desires and plans are better and so far beyond my understanding. God, I trust you. You are faithful. Spirit you are my peace and comforter. Jesus. Oh my Savior and King. Thank you for your love oh God!

Balloons

Have you ever seen a guy selling a cluster of balloons? There is always a guy walking around Disneyland or the fair carrying a bouquet of them with their strings tied tightly below. You may have simply taken a picture of them or maybe actually indulged in purchasing. They look beautiful, all the balloons rise high into the air above his head with the sun shining through them illuminating the vibrant rubber bubbles. You know he's not selling all of them as a package deal and certainly the sun is not included either. The fact is that if you buy a balloon, you choose one. After walking around the park for several hours the sun sets and the night cools the air but you still have that balloon tied around your wrist. Suddenly it's lost its beauty and it's just a dimly tinted balloon. When it was with all the others it appeared so lively but now simply by itself it loses all its allure. Life is like that cluster of balloons. Looking at it as a whole it's beautiful but if you begin to pick out individual experiences they may seem less charming. Of course some of life's moments are shiny mylar balloons that even when old they still shimmer but other times in life are more like a basic blue latex. At their best these aren't too attractive by themselves. It takes a greater perspective to really see the beauty. Because with the right viewpoint, even when singling out plain and disfigured moments there is something magnificent. The beauty isn't simply a life, but that which gives life its elegance and purpose. Jesus is the sun in my balloons. He shines through the cluster of experiences and makes what could be dull latex actually look radient. He's the helium inside that lifts my life up. He's the guy holding the balloons and sustaining my existence. Without him life would be a mess, floating into space never to be collected again, but Jesus gives it unity, sustenance, and beauty.

keep counting

Winter continues to settle in; it snowed just enough to see flakes falling on Christmas Eve but now it continues to rain many days of each week. After church on Christmas day a German friend, who goes to a uni here came over for dinner. He brought five Pakistani friends who enjoyed their very first Christmas around our little table, along with my teacher friend visiting from Russia (with love). Then over New Year I was in Germany visiting a brother who I haven't seen in a couple years. He and his friends blessed me with a dinner on New Year's Eve before we went to the square in Stuttgart and watched the fireworks. Extremely blessed by Matthias' generosity in having me at his home. It has been on my mind the past couple days to open up my house for people to come and have a meal and build relationships with friends. We'll see if something like that is possible. It would be difficult to do on a weekday as I work till about five each evening, but I think it's possible. Maybe just a couple people could come over, because cleaning up after a four course meal for eight on Christmas took a couple of hours!

The teaching element of living here continues to be my most challenging obstacle. What is supposed to be my ministry seems to be a burden. I don't feel like I can teach very well and with the added disrespectful students, absent administration, and advanced curriculum it seems nearly impossible. I want to thrive; instead I'm waiting for this merry-go-round to stop taking me in circles so I can enjoy the rest of the park. Each week I wonder if this will be the week that something clicks in my mind and the gears are all aligned. Certainly it's a learning process and not an instantaneous snapping into place. My weekends and nights out keep me going as I can hang out with new friends here. Last night we went ice skating! We had a great time and many people fell but it was really great to bond more with my German friend and his friends from uni. Spending time with other internationals makes me very happy to be a foreigner. Unfortunately, I still haven't enrolled in a language course, but the more I go out with Turks or other foreigners in Turkey the more I learn.

I go to a Turkish church on Sundays which always incites more learning. I've also been involved at the international church's Friday night gatherings. We are now studying John and I've accepted the offer to be one of the small group leaders there. I'm thankful and excited for this opportunity to study the word with internationals and build relationships through learning about GOD! This is also a time when it's evident that I really miss home. My church, the warm 'winter' weather, the people who actually know me, Asian food, the beach, and running (knee health isn't optimal). I know that since we are just past month four this perspective is typical, but as I try to decide in the next couple months whether to stay in Istanbul or return to California I am constantly drawn back and forth. The old fashioned pros and cons list isn't going to cut it. I need massive clarity and discernment for the future, for relationships both here and at home. I'm praising God for health, for technology, and hope. Amidst all the uncertainties and things I admittedly don't like, there is hope. He is doing something, even when I can't identify it. I'm thankful for connections with people here. For God's provision for all my needs and even abundantly more. I am realizing more and more that all good things are gifts, his grace is rich.

for God's purposes

Christmas parties are typically something people look forward to with gleeful anticipation. Maybe we look forward to the family time together in an old familiar house of a loved one, the good food prepared with great love and care, the joy in being reminded of Christ coming to earth, or perhaps the more commercialized idea of getting something; the point is, it's a party. But as Christmas approached I avoided RSVPing to our team celebration. I could have given excuses: the party was at 1pm on Monday the 26th--my only day off, I had a guest visiting, I held my own party for guys from church on the real Christmas, heck I had errands to run! But I knew that the real reason was that frankly I didn't want to be there. On Monday morning I woke after 11AM and by the time I sat down to breakfast it was closer to 1PM than to noon. So I decided that after I finished breakfast, I'd get ready, put on a warm sweater, and go over to the neighbor's for team time. I'm going to be honest; I did not want to go. I only went because I thought it would be better for team unity if I was there. Am I glad that I went? Absolutely. Did I have fun? That's really not relevant, but I did eat some very yummy iced shortbread cookies. What's important is that I'm trying to implement the things that Jesus said like, "love your brother if you claim to love me" and "give up yourself for the sake of others." I can definitely see why he said it was a narrow path.

This is where the rubber meets the road. At school my classes are still a challenge, but for some crazy reason I feel like the best thing to do is invest more of my time rather than pull out and give less than 100% at work. Similarly our team is struggling through some things, and it seems like the best thing to do for us is to spend more time together. This is not appealing. In America we have so many options. My peanut butter is always Skippy. My body wash is Old Spice Fresh scent and it has been for years. It's not that I'm a creature of habit, but I know what I want and I'm not going to settle for just anything. If Target is out of my body wash I'll go to CVS and pay another dollar to get what I want. The options continue in every area of our lives. Choose a dentist, an (insert ethnic food here) restaurant, a beach to swim and another to surf, or the next president; the options are endless. Until you live abroad and suddenly the options dwindle. Your body wash doesn't exist, good wine costs a fortune, and the shelves of options are reduced to a handful. If you've ever lived abroad you know what I mean. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have options. I'm grateful for the many choices and freedoms of selection that we have in the USA. In America people even have the option to choose what church they'll attend and who they will be with and sit next to when they worship God. When I sit here and think about that scenario it's mind blowing. Here I am living in Istanbul and I don't get to decide if I want to go to Vineyard, Calvary Chapel, or ROCKHARBOR. There is a small community of believers where I work and the ten of us meet each Tuesday because we are all we all we have.

We didn't go team hunting to see if we wanted to live here together. God made it happen and here we are. So many times I've learned that if I don't like a situation, a person, or a product I can simply walk away and go somewhere else to get what I want. While sometimes that is good and necessary there comes a point, as there has in my life, where one has to learn to suck it up and make it work because ultimately it's not about personal happiness or enjoyment, but it's about raising up a community to honor one--Christ. It's about being one unit, about being a body with each part serving it's purpose. What has been on my mind for the last couple of months is that before Jesus left he didn't tell us to pray for converts but rather to pray for workers to answer his call and bring in the harvest which is ready for reaping! So here we are, some of us who have responded, but it's not easy so my instinct is to walk away or distance myself from what I don't like. But all praise to the Lord who is making all things new! Against all practical sense and knowledge I think that the best thing for me to do is to spend more time together. I don't even want to, but I'm going to because I'm convinced that this is where God will mend us. As I run out of choices and succumb to the simple truth that we are on earth for the Lord's purposes and not our own, my superficial self-relient psyche suddenly submits and surrenders to the Savior.