keep counting

Winter continues to settle in; it snowed just enough to see flakes falling on Christmas Eve but now it continues to rain many days of each week. After church on Christmas day a German friend, who goes to a uni here came over for dinner. He brought five Pakistani friends who enjoyed their very first Christmas around our little table, along with my teacher friend visiting from Russia (with love). Then over New Year I was in Germany visiting a brother who I haven't seen in a couple years. He and his friends blessed me with a dinner on New Year's Eve before we went to the square in Stuttgart and watched the fireworks. Extremely blessed by Matthias' generosity in having me at his home. It has been on my mind the past couple days to open up my house for people to come and have a meal and build relationships with friends. We'll see if something like that is possible. It would be difficult to do on a weekday as I work till about five each evening, but I think it's possible. Maybe just a couple people could come over, because cleaning up after a four course meal for eight on Christmas took a couple of hours!

The teaching element of living here continues to be my most challenging obstacle. What is supposed to be my ministry seems to be a burden. I don't feel like I can teach very well and with the added disrespectful students, absent administration, and advanced curriculum it seems nearly impossible. I want to thrive; instead I'm waiting for this merry-go-round to stop taking me in circles so I can enjoy the rest of the park. Each week I wonder if this will be the week that something clicks in my mind and the gears are all aligned. Certainly it's a learning process and not an instantaneous snapping into place. My weekends and nights out keep me going as I can hang out with new friends here. Last night we went ice skating! We had a great time and many people fell but it was really great to bond more with my German friend and his friends from uni. Spending time with other internationals makes me very happy to be a foreigner. Unfortunately, I still haven't enrolled in a language course, but the more I go out with Turks or other foreigners in Turkey the more I learn.

I go to a Turkish church on Sundays which always incites more learning. I've also been involved at the international church's Friday night gatherings. We are now studying John and I've accepted the offer to be one of the small group leaders there. I'm thankful and excited for this opportunity to study the word with internationals and build relationships through learning about GOD! This is also a time when it's evident that I really miss home. My church, the warm 'winter' weather, the people who actually know me, Asian food, the beach, and running (knee health isn't optimal). I know that since we are just past month four this perspective is typical, but as I try to decide in the next couple months whether to stay in Istanbul or return to California I am constantly drawn back and forth. The old fashioned pros and cons list isn't going to cut it. I need massive clarity and discernment for the future, for relationships both here and at home. I'm praising God for health, for technology, and hope. Amidst all the uncertainties and things I admittedly don't like, there is hope. He is doing something, even when I can't identify it. I'm thankful for connections with people here. For God's provision for all my needs and even abundantly more. I am realizing more and more that all good things are gifts, his grace is rich.

for God's purposes

Christmas parties are typically something people look forward to with gleeful anticipation. Maybe we look forward to the family time together in an old familiar house of a loved one, the good food prepared with great love and care, the joy in being reminded of Christ coming to earth, or perhaps the more commercialized idea of getting something; the point is, it's a party. But as Christmas approached I avoided RSVPing to our team celebration. I could have given excuses: the party was at 1pm on Monday the 26th--my only day off, I had a guest visiting, I held my own party for guys from church on the real Christmas, heck I had errands to run! But I knew that the real reason was that frankly I didn't want to be there. On Monday morning I woke after 11AM and by the time I sat down to breakfast it was closer to 1PM than to noon. So I decided that after I finished breakfast, I'd get ready, put on a warm sweater, and go over to the neighbor's for team time. I'm going to be honest; I did not want to go. I only went because I thought it would be better for team unity if I was there. Am I glad that I went? Absolutely. Did I have fun? That's really not relevant, but I did eat some very yummy iced shortbread cookies. What's important is that I'm trying to implement the things that Jesus said like, "love your brother if you claim to love me" and "give up yourself for the sake of others." I can definitely see why he said it was a narrow path.

This is where the rubber meets the road. At school my classes are still a challenge, but for some crazy reason I feel like the best thing to do is invest more of my time rather than pull out and give less than 100% at work. Similarly our team is struggling through some things, and it seems like the best thing to do for us is to spend more time together. This is not appealing. In America we have so many options. My peanut butter is always Skippy. My body wash is Old Spice Fresh scent and it has been for years. It's not that I'm a creature of habit, but I know what I want and I'm not going to settle for just anything. If Target is out of my body wash I'll go to CVS and pay another dollar to get what I want. The options continue in every area of our lives. Choose a dentist, an (insert ethnic food here) restaurant, a beach to swim and another to surf, or the next president; the options are endless. Until you live abroad and suddenly the options dwindle. Your body wash doesn't exist, good wine costs a fortune, and the shelves of options are reduced to a handful. If you've ever lived abroad you know what I mean. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing to have options. I'm grateful for the many choices and freedoms of selection that we have in the USA. In America people even have the option to choose what church they'll attend and who they will be with and sit next to when they worship God. When I sit here and think about that scenario it's mind blowing. Here I am living in Istanbul and I don't get to decide if I want to go to Vineyard, Calvary Chapel, or ROCKHARBOR. There is a small community of believers where I work and the ten of us meet each Tuesday because we are all we all we have.

We didn't go team hunting to see if we wanted to live here together. God made it happen and here we are. So many times I've learned that if I don't like a situation, a person, or a product I can simply walk away and go somewhere else to get what I want. While sometimes that is good and necessary there comes a point, as there has in my life, where one has to learn to suck it up and make it work because ultimately it's not about personal happiness or enjoyment, but it's about raising up a community to honor one--Christ. It's about being one unit, about being a body with each part serving it's purpose. What has been on my mind for the last couple of months is that before Jesus left he didn't tell us to pray for converts but rather to pray for workers to answer his call and bring in the harvest which is ready for reaping! So here we are, some of us who have responded, but it's not easy so my instinct is to walk away or distance myself from what I don't like. But all praise to the Lord who is making all things new! Against all practical sense and knowledge I think that the best thing for me to do is to spend more time together. I don't even want to, but I'm going to because I'm convinced that this is where God will mend us. As I run out of choices and succumb to the simple truth that we are on earth for the Lord's purposes and not our own, my superficial self-relient psyche suddenly submits and surrenders to the Savior.