Changing Perspective

Many people in the Christian faith talk about waiting for God's timing. I've been asking myself recently where I see the Lord at work in my life here. While living in Istanbul I realized that I didn't see him in specific ways or experience the Spirit's presence in my life as I had while living in California. It frustrated me quite a bit; I began wondering if God really was at work here. Of course the answer to that question was immediately a resounding yes, but I didn't see it. I was so used to seeing God work in my community but once removed from that I had to make an adjustment I wasn't prepared for. When I read a verse the other day I was overwhelmed with a sense of ineptitude mixed with relief. "The Lord isn’t really being slow about his promise, as some people think. No, he is being patient for your sake. He does not want anyone to be destroyed, but wants everyone to repent." 2 Peter 3:9 NLT. God is not slow. He is patient for me. Again, God isn't slow, he's actually patient waiting for me to be in step with him. While my heart has been trying to be in tune with God's plan my eyes haven't been seeing like he sees. One thing that I continue to run across in preparation for our Bible study at the international church is love and obedience. I have been reading John 13-15 as I look for common themes and ideas as it relates to Jesus' promise of the Holy Spirit. What surprises me is the frequency in this section that Jesus says that we are to obey his commands and his command is to love one another.

For a couple years it has been my prayer that God would open my eyes to love people like he does. But what would that love look like; what does it mean to love others around us? Being at my ultra trendy artistic church in image conscious Orange County it was so easy for me to love other like minded people. We all could go get coffee at Kéan, hang at the beach, have a beer at the Lab, and go to yoga without really challenging or offsetting one another's social norms. Then I joined a team of people to come teach abroad. Most people that work for the ministry that I'm with are fresh out of college, and I expected that the team I'd be with in Istanbul would be an fairly average, moderately conservative sampling of North American twenty-somethings. Upon arrival at training last summer the majority of the teachers were indeed single and under 30 as I had expected but once meeting my team those expectations evaporated into thin air. Two of us among our team of ten fit that bill. Listening to my new teammates talk about their lives, their years of experience, and their children, I began to freak out. Convinced that I wouldn't be able to connect with the majority of my team based on their way of dress, biblical convictions, or abnormal social behavior I was worried to say the least. I began to act differently than I had in my home environment as I tried to find my place between the 23 year old married couple and the two 54 year-old single folks. Confused, I kept thinking about how different we were, and I didn't know what to do in order to bridge the gaps. One afternoon one of the married girls said she needed some wine. It was that moment when I remembered that in order to agree wholeheartedly with each other, to love one another, and work together with one mind and purpose I'd have to look for the commonalities and not the differences.

It got difficult, even worse, before it got better. Soon I learned that I'd have to be living with an old guy I didn't understand. Literally all I could do to make it through some days was to not say anything at all. I listened and bit my lip trying to be silently polite, trying to endure what seemed like a social experiment. I was waiting for someone to point to the hidden camera and give me a cash prize for not losing my cool. There were times where I felt like I was going through some inane test. Despite the challenges we all learned more about each other, especially as we lived together; soon things didn't seem as horrendous as I had imagined they would be. Earlier this winter I finally acknowledged that my relationship with the teammates here wasn't just tolerable, but it could be and generally was enjoyable. At last, this month I remembered my prayer to see people through Jesus' eyes. I'm not claiming to have figured it all out but I have a valuable lesson learned--or learning. Jesus came to us and was kind to all the weirdos; he made them his friends. He stopped and got to know the midget in the tree, the noxious smelling fishermen, the shrewd tax collectors, and the slutty women. He was looking for people who were willing to be raw and share their lives in the midst of their grossness and despite their abnormal or unacceptable social behavior. In fact Peter rarely got what Jesus was getting at. Jesus' comment, "Are you still so dull?" in Matthew 15:16 shows his patience with us.

I recognize that I don't get it most of the time, but I'm awfully glad the Lord doesn't give up on me. If I were to have the patience with others that Jesus did I imagine I'd actually get to know people a lot more intimately and be able to more adequately demonstrate Christ's love to them. If I can't do that with my roommate then how can I claim to love and follow God who doesn't live here? When I go back to my community in Southern California I know there is a pressure to act, dress, and behave a certain way. But when people fall outside of the social, excepted, and cultural norm I don't want to write them off as so divergent that I won't take the time to know them and love them as Jesus does. Praise God for the things we have in common and for the things that draw us closer together through similar passions and interests, but if that gets in the way of openly sharing God's love then I will have completely missed it. He is ultimately what brings us together; he is the common denominator.

Is there anything left?

It's tough to blog when you think that people will actually read it. Luckily for me I think there are only about three to five people who come across my blog on a regular basis so maybe that will give me the freedom to actually type out what I'm feeling. I'm much better at sharing when things are going well, but when everything seems to go awry it's not something I am particularly good at fleshing out. As an external processor practicing this could be beneficial. A couple weeks ago I bought a sketch book and have been trying to sit down and draw at least once a week. I was exercising in the morning for a bit but then I got sick (again) and had to recover from that. I've run a couple times recently too. The exercise is always a positive for my emotional and spiritual well being but my right knee continues to be sore from an unknown problem. I've considered going to the doctor here but haven't yet.

Right now I feel like there are a number of problems that I could identify but no matter what I try I don't see a remedy. I've been jailed in our basement apartment today basically because I just lost the will to do anything. After moving into this new flat six weeks ago I began to notice a change in my attitude and quality of life. While I don't blame the new place I do think that living in a basement with bars on windows that look out to a mound of dirt and a parking lot has had a negative affect on me. Through the years my dad always reminded me that life is 10% what happens out of my control and 90% attitude. I want to be happy, I want to have a good attitude toward it all but the truth is right now I don't. I'm not pleased with where we live, with the school I work for, with the way our team is avoiding the problems we need to work through, or the way the organization back home seems unprepared to deal with it all or support us.

I'm so angry that this isn't fun. This experience is not what I anticipated and my disappointment is quite palpable. Before coming here I thought I would be a good teacher. I thought I'd be on a team of like-minded people. When it comes down to it, there is a lot that has gone wrong or that I don't like but I don't have to flesh it all out right now. What's more upsetting than nearly everything being an irritant is that as much as I try to change it nothing is different. In fact I feel more detached and incapable of being a catalyst for change. I want to infect the world with joy and hope but I've been stifled by people telling me what I can and can't do, who I can hang out with, what I can say, where I can go, and how I should do. Jesus said he came and did only what the Father told him to do. But I've lost that direction. Following being forced to change my ministry plan, after all the turmoil and hurt between people who are supposed to be like-minded I wonder why I am here. I know it's to represent Jesus, to show his love but I don't know how anymore. It's so difficult to persist when it doesn't seem like anything changes. That is where the frustration is. It's not because of the hardship, it's because I feel so stuck in it. Challenges come, sure, but it seems like they have already defeated me.

It's clear that my work situation isn't going to change. Our living situation already changed and unfortunately not for the better. The team has ignored issues that are causing major riffs. But I've been trying to work through what I can, to make sense of it, to make peace with it, and to make the most of it. So I'm going to stand up and dust myself off so that I can keep going with what I know I should be doing, finding the areas where I can make a difference rather than focusing on what is impossible.