not there yet

We are finally approaching the end of our four weeks of training and tomorrow morning is the test. Against all odds and my normal custom I've actually already typed up a review and am mildly confident that I'll handle it okay come the 9AM exam. For the past month I've been getting up no later than 7:20 every morning in order to make it to my first team session at 8AM and classes continue for several hours until we have practicum after dinner. While the training has had its own stressors it has not been the learning of the new material that's been the most challenging. Today, I am once again reminded that I'm not like Jesus, that I still have a lot of room for growth and restoration. I don't respond to people with the compassion that I actually want to.

With this being the end of our training, I anticipated being mentally and emotionally prepared to move abroad and begin teaching. Granted, since we don't yet know what age level we'll be teaching at the school and my roommate situation isn't confirmed, I'm still fairly uncertain as to what I should expect. Mentally I've been preparing for the worst; I've been asking the Lord to help me be ready for these unknowns. Last month when I arrived in Pasadena to our training I had been anticipating rooming with my buddy Alex once we arrived in country. Then I quickly learned that there was potentially a third roommate in the mix. The additional guy with all his quirks and ticks hasn't ever jelled well with me. So I have been asking God to give me compassion to see this man with the gracious love that Jesus sees him.

It hasn't happened.

I wish I could say that it has; I wish I was ready to start living with him and be stretched in this area. Even if I thought I would be able to cope him I would be satisfied with my willingness alone. But each night as we sit chatting as a group I feel as if Alex and I are helping a junior high kid through a rough week at summer camp. In reality however, there is a man next to us the age of my father. That is not something I can handle for the next ten months. As much as I try, I can't do that every day for a lot longer; certainly not for a year living under the same roof.

What keeps running through my mind is that I ought to love my brother, whom I can see and whom I'll be working alongside. What does the expression of that love have to look like? Each minute with him takes work as I try to be more patient, to listen, extend grace, and offer prayer; but when I leave a meeting with him I've lost hope again. In fact, I leave annoyed and frustrated. We simply don't click. Can I be a spiritual brother by praying and being in intentional communication with him without having to see him every day in order to demonstrate that? At this point, I don't know what else to do.

This man is a reminder that I need more of Jesus, and for that he is a blessing.