Is there anything left?

It's tough to blog when you think that people will actually read it. Luckily for me I think there are only about three to five people who come across my blog on a regular basis so maybe that will give me the freedom to actually type out what I'm feeling. I'm much better at sharing when things are going well, but when everything seems to go awry it's not something I am particularly good at fleshing out. As an external processor practicing this could be beneficial. A couple weeks ago I bought a sketch book and have been trying to sit down and draw at least once a week. I was exercising in the morning for a bit but then I got sick (again) and had to recover from that. I've run a couple times recently too. The exercise is always a positive for my emotional and spiritual well being but my right knee continues to be sore from an unknown problem. I've considered going to the doctor here but haven't yet.

Right now I feel like there are a number of problems that I could identify but no matter what I try I don't see a remedy. I've been jailed in our basement apartment today basically because I just lost the will to do anything. After moving into this new flat six weeks ago I began to notice a change in my attitude and quality of life. While I don't blame the new place I do think that living in a basement with bars on windows that look out to a mound of dirt and a parking lot has had a negative affect on me. Through the years my dad always reminded me that life is 10% what happens out of my control and 90% attitude. I want to be happy, I want to have a good attitude toward it all but the truth is right now I don't. I'm not pleased with where we live, with the school I work for, with the way our team is avoiding the problems we need to work through, or the way the organization back home seems unprepared to deal with it all or support us.

I'm so angry that this isn't fun. This experience is not what I anticipated and my disappointment is quite palpable. Before coming here I thought I would be a good teacher. I thought I'd be on a team of like-minded people. When it comes down to it, there is a lot that has gone wrong or that I don't like but I don't have to flesh it all out right now. What's more upsetting than nearly everything being an irritant is that as much as I try to change it nothing is different. In fact I feel more detached and incapable of being a catalyst for change. I want to infect the world with joy and hope but I've been stifled by people telling me what I can and can't do, who I can hang out with, what I can say, where I can go, and how I should do. Jesus said he came and did only what the Father told him to do. But I've lost that direction. Following being forced to change my ministry plan, after all the turmoil and hurt between people who are supposed to be like-minded I wonder why I am here. I know it's to represent Jesus, to show his love but I don't know how anymore. It's so difficult to persist when it doesn't seem like anything changes. That is where the frustration is. It's not because of the hardship, it's because I feel so stuck in it. Challenges come, sure, but it seems like they have already defeated me.

It's clear that my work situation isn't going to change. Our living situation already changed and unfortunately not for the better. The team has ignored issues that are causing major riffs. But I've been trying to work through what I can, to make sense of it, to make peace with it, and to make the most of it. So I'm going to stand up and dust myself off so that I can keep going with what I know I should be doing, finding the areas where I can make a difference rather than focusing on what is impossible.